Welcome to part 3 of Addiction Issues and the Long Walk Home. Let’s hope that I can keep on track a little bit with what I was talking about in the last post.
I had finished talking about how I was molested for many years when I was young and how it had a lot to do with how my drinking started. Drinking definitely changed my entire world.
I was not that scared little girl anymore. And the more I drank the more I changed inside. I really was fearless while I was drinking. The problem was that when you wake up the next day with a screaming hangover, you still had to deal with whatever it was you did while you were ten feet tall and bulletproof.
You could tell me nothing at the time. I knew everything, so I thought. And I was bitter at the world. Mainly bitter at my family. For keeping the step grandfather in the family. I didn’t know how to deal with that kind of stuff being I was only 13 when first asked if I would be ok with him staying in the family.
Of course he was going to go to therapy and get fixed. And I of course was a people pleaser who never wanted to break my family up, so I went with the flow I guess you could say. There was a lot more problems going on in my family than just what I was having to deal with. And I didn’t understand any of them at the time.
I probably still don’t really understand the whole deal. But I do understand about trying to feel loved by your family. And seeking it against everything that you should have to do in order to get it. I have been seeking that feeling of being loved for many years now. Wanting the ultimate man who would protect me from the perverts of the world. But never seeking one who actually had a decent job.
I was constantly seeking the wrong type of love from the wrong types of men. And seeking it from my mother ended up being a big mistake for me. Because I was never quite good enough for her. Because of my addiction Issues that were brought on by the molestation in my life, I was never going to be the perfect daughter who would be homecoming queen.
And I made sure that I fucked everything up as royally as possible. I quit school when I was 16. But did go back and got my GED when I was 18.
And my worst fuck up happened when I was 16 and just got my license. Mom and Dad gave me their old escort. So I of course was out drinking as usual with some friends and hit some loose gravel in the country. This lead to us flipping the car on a culvert. And the girl who was in the back seat passenger side was killed.
This particular day I really had not been drinking much. Not compared to what I usually did on a daily basis. But none of that mattered. What did matter was that fact that I was only 16 and had alcohol in my system and we had just wrecked.
And a girl a year younger than I was had died. And we will just say that my town was not the most compassionate when it came to dealing with me. Because it was election time and the politicians were of course on their most convincing lies to try and either keep their asses in office, or get their asses in office, they were going to clean up the town. And I would be the first one they would start with.
To shorten the story some, I will just tell you what happened to me because of that terrible day in October when she died. I say she because I would rather not put names out there in any of the stories I tell regarding my life.
Anyway they first wanted to try and try me as an adult. One of our not so honorable judges decided it. He had been in that judge’s position way too long!
The judge underneath him came to the jail and was like no you cannot do this. She is a minor and you can’t just try her as an adult. She will have to go to girls school for a two week evaluation and they will then give their recommendations.
It ended up that once I was done with the evaluation, they had me in front of the decent judge thank god at that time. And he ended up sentencing me to 5 years probation, 5 years license suspension, and I had to get my GED during the probation period. And possibly something about attending NA/AA meetings once a week. It’s been a while so I can’t remember the rest of the details. But those were the main punishments.
Well I had thought that I had dodged a major bullet. I was picturing myself going to jail for many years over this.
Let’s just say that I was very young and didn’t really know much about how the law really worked. I had been hauled into the police station countless times throughout my teenage years for drinking. And they would put me on more probation time and call my parents to come and get me. I also had an uncle who worked on the force. So that always helped when it came to how much trouble I got into.
My mother used to call up everyone in our family and bitch to them about what her terrible daughter had managed to do to her this time. Every time I would get into trouble. And it was pretty often I have to admit. But she would then get to bitching at me about my latest embarrassing episode I had done. And she would always say Chris, you are so embarrassing to our family. So I would always respond with” well mom no one would even know what I had done if you weren’t on the phone with every person you know telling them our business.” That smartass response would usually get me a good ass whipping or a good grounding spell.
And I never ended up grounded for the period that mom would say. I would aggravate her so much being at home all the time and bitching, that she would usually let me loose early just so I got out of her hair.
One other detail about this whole time period that went on that I left out earlier, was the fact that I had a miscarriage while I was in girls school for the 2 week evaluation.
I was so depressed while going through all of this anyway and I for some reason thought that if we had a baby, this meaning my boyfriend and me. Then everything would be better in my life. I really thought I was grown up at the time. And no one could tell me different.
Well thank you for reading this post. And make sure you catch the next post of Addiction Issues And The Long Walk Home Part 4.
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